Against the Grain
They always say, “have a plan but be ready to throw out the plan.” Well I accepted that, my plan was BABY COMES OUT. BABY AND MAMA ARE HEALTHY. THE END.
But I have to admit, I was a little set on an unmedicated, meditative, vaginal birth. I did the hypnobirthing meditations & I bought all the books & hired a doula. The idea was that I would get all the information I needed to make informed choices for labor and delivery.
At week 34 weeks she was still in her frank breech presentation and had been like that for a few months. Then the pressure was on. Every conversation I had with my acupuncturist, OB and doula was about “flipping the baby”. Inversions, ice packs, miles circuit, burning moxa 10 minutes 2x a day in a circular motion around my pinky toe and outer knees & visualizing my baby in a head down position. Not to mention, drinking gallons of water to increase my amniotic fluid. It was completely exhausting. My whole day was consumed with getting Miss Willa to make a U-turn. By week 36 baby girl hadn’t budged and my husband looked at me, while crouched over my right leg with a black incense stick and said, “OK this is getting ridiculous”. I agreed.
My OB and doula and I discussed an ECV, a manual flipping of the baby, but with my low amniotic fluid and baby’s legs fully extended, the chances of her flipping (and staying flipped) were extremely low. The risks were high.
After researching ECV’s and discussing it with both my OB and doula, I realized that my natural, calm, vaginal, hypnobirthing birth was actually the most UNNATURAL route I could take. I was forcing my way to this idea of natural birth and to be honest - it felt awful. The pressure to get the baby to flip (when I knew in my heart and belly that she wasn’t gonna budge) put so much unnecessary pressure on me, that when the doctor and I spoke about a c-section, I felt relief. That’s how I knew it was the right choice for me.
At the point that “natural” requires so much force and intervention, is it still natural? No, natural and ease are not synonymous, but I think it’s an interesting intersection to explore. How much intervention is required to maintain natural order?
I never picked up one of the birthing books & I didn’t complete my hypnobirthing course because there was something in me that just didn’t have the capacity to ingest all that info. It was incredibly overwhelming and every time I picked up a book I rejected it - my body and mind shut down. Did I really need to know everything that could go wrong in order to be at choice? Going through every possible birth scenario stressed me the hell out, instead of putting me at ease. The idea that I could only be at choice if I ingested all the possible scenarios was just absolutely not true for me. Maybe there was a part of me that intuitively knew that I wasn’t going to need it in the end? That part of me rejected all the “what if’s” because I knew Willa had already chosen how she wanted to arrive.
There is a pranayama practice called, Viloma, meaning “against the grain”. A breath practice that invites the practitioner to go against the natural pattern of breath. The point being to expand in a direction you don’t usually go. If i’m being honest, my belly birth was my viloma practice. It was against what I wanted but it ended up expanding me in a direction I don’t normally go, surrender and trust. Maybe the c-section was a way of getting me back to a natural state? A state of surrender and trust.
In this day and age, who’s to say what is the most natural, organic path? Choice exists even if you haven’t explored every option. Can’t we know without being told? A natural choice for one person may not look the same as a “natural”choice for another.
They say that babies decide who is going to be present at and after the birth. She was comfy cozy in that navasana position and in result began calling the shots, teaching her mama that sometimes the opposite direction is the right way. I thank her for that.